In which I’m a giant baby about bugs

For long and complicated reasons, Ravi and I decided to move Elanor into her “big girl” bed.  To prep for that, B and I had to move all the excess crap out of E’s room today.  Things were going fine until…

THE GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH

I was moving a plastic bin of clothes when I happened to glance at the curtains and saw a giant black thing…which I then registered for what it was…GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH.

I scream like a little girl.

I shriek for E to get a container as I can’t even begin to imagine killing this thing.  I have no plan other than containment.  B runs in with a giant plastic takeout container.  I try to knock the roach off the curtain, and it’s wings start flutter and I don’t know if it made a sound or I’m just imposing every bad horror movie I ever saw on the damn thing, but I know I freaked out.

Somehow, B and I get the GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH under the plastic without it escaping.  B tries to move the container along the ground, maybe with the same goal of…I don’t know…releasing into the wild or something (like it wouldn’t just run back into our house or something), but keeps shrieking as do I.

I flee to the living room and call our pest control people (which is what we pay them for-to call any time we see a roach 24/7 so they can deal with “the situation”-not to be confused the Jersey Shore cast member…although maybe I think the same solution might work well for types of “situations”).

“Can I help you?”

“Giant cockroach in my baby’s room” I repeat it about 3 times before she says she’s send someone RIGHT OVER and confirms my address.

Meanwhile I hear Ebeth saying “I have to kill you” and I hear something smacking the ground a ton of times as she shrieks with each hit. I think she killed it with edge of the broom or something…frankly I don’t want to know as I want to burn whatever it was.  She walks past me with paper towels and goes to the outside hallway (where our refuse chute is) with the bundle where she disposes of it.

Not ten minutes later the pest guy shows up.  He looks around and confirms that this is probably a bug that came up through the pipes.  Yesterday was our monthly condo spray (imagine giant billowing clouds of poison surrounding the outside of the  building for 20 minutes), and the roaches were fleeing, and some probably came up through the pipes.  Lucky us.  He put out some gel (up in the window corners where E wouldn’t be able to get near them–I can’t get near it without a stepladder) and put out some sticky traps up high as well.  He also taped over our floor grates in the bathroom and kitchen (they’re there if you literally spray your bathroom/kitchen floor clean with water, which we don’t) as they’re easy access points.

According to them there are no signs of infestation and we are to keep on keepin’ on.

Still…I realize it’s a city and it’s a tropical climate so they’re part of life here…but seriously…I can handle small roaches.  Ones as big as my fucking fist?  NO. No like, no want…NO GIANT FUCKING COCKROACH.

I’m almost scared to go to sleep…I just know I’m gonna have nightmares about that horrible thing.

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4 Responses to In which I’m a giant baby about bugs

  1. bookjunkie says:

    I hate those yucky gross things. I can’t even say the word. I used to be the first to flee the scene. I am glad I haven’t encountered them in ages thanks to pest control.

  2. paul says:

    Great blog. Can’t help but laugh, it was so well written. I could smell the fear!

  3. Dawn Perlner says:

    They have those in NYC, and they fly. They’re also fast so very hard to kill. I remember chasing one around my NYC apartment for about twenty minutes, shrieking involuntarily every time I got close and it decided suddenly to take flight. I got over my trauma by writing a story about it.

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