Bi Visibility

So yesterday, Sunday the 23rd, was Bisexual Awareness Day. I identify more frequently as queer, as I feel like a big umbrella covers a multitude of identities. But I do also identify as bisexual, meaning I am attracted to men and women.

The thing about being bisexual is that you’re usually only identified as bi when you are single. The second you have a partner, everyone is in a rush to identify you as gay (because I was dating a girl) or straight (because my partner is male). When you’re with someone of the opposite gender, you pass to the point of being invisible. You’re seen as an ally of the community at best, and just as a breeder at worst.

I’ve been married for twelve years, so why should I care? I ended up with a dude, so that is the deciding factor, right?

No.

I care because my partner’s gender identity (whether they identify as male, female, or genderqueer) ends up defining me. I am the same person I was when I dated M, or made out with B, or slept with A–and they were all women. I am the same person I was when I dated J, or slept with F, or made out with K–and they were all men.

Yes, my husband is a man, and I do not wish to change that. Marrying him didn’t settle a bet, or make me “get off the fence.” It doesn’t change that I am attracted to women.

When I am open about my sexuality, I am generally several questions. This is by no means a comprehensive selection, nor is it questions I only get from straight people (although it’s mostly straight people).

I am asked to rate where I fall on the Kinsey scale. If zero is totally gay and ten is totally straight, what’s my number? Am I more attracted to men or women? If I’m a 7, doesn’t that really mean I’m straight. If I’m a 3, doesn’t that really mean I’m gay? Just pick a side already! This is a really toxic line of inquiry. The idea that bisexuality (or pansexuality) is just someone who is greedy is hurtful.

When was the last time I slept with a woman? If it’s been x amount of time, doesn’t that prove that I’m mostly over women? If I really was bi, I’d have to punch my card x times a year to prove that I’m actually attracted to women. It’s not like a driver’s license where you have to renew it or it becomes invalid.

But you’re married with two kids. Why do I want to horn in on gay pride? Because I’m queer, too, and I deserve to be part of the community, regardless of how many women I’ve slept with, when it last was, or who I married.

I struggled a lot with my identity in college. If I’d been gay, I could have handled that. I had no problem with the idea of being gay. But I’d listened to those toxic opinions, and the idea of being bi made me feel dirty. That I needed to pick a side. That I was greedy. That I was just a dirty slut. PICK A FUCKING SIDE.

You may laugh, but I ended up in therapy for a while as I processed something that had always been there, that I’d just excused away or denied. But it had always been there.

If I could say something to parents whose kids are going through dealing with their sexual identities, it’s to be supportive. Don’t tell them that it’s just a phase, or that they can just overcome it. Don’t kick them out of your house (SG parents, especially, I’m looking at you). Would you rather have a dead child because they committed suicide (suicide rates are very high for queer teens) or accept and love your child as they are? I would hope the latter–which is also a good lesson to apply to obsessions about grades, hair styles, or any other choices your child makes or things they do that might not be what you wanted.

Love matters.

So don’t erase or demean your bi kids. We just want to be loved, and to be defined as individuals, not as a reflection of our partner’s perceived gender identity.

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Learning to Read

One of the things you learn as an aspiring teacher in the US is that all of the research says that learning to read is a complex process and that the age that is “normal” to learn to read is in the 5-8 window.

In Singapore, children are expected to be fluent readers and writers by age 6. Day one of Primary 1 your child better already know how to read because next week their spelling test will have words like mountains.

In the US, we hope that kids start kindergarten knowing all 26 letters and their corresponding phoneme (sound a letter makes). But not all do. There is support for children who are behind, like reading specialists who will work either one on one or in a small group with children who are behind.

Elanor was a precocious reader. By the end of K1, she was reading simple readers and by the end of K2 she was reading chapter books (simple ones, but still). She was fine in the Singapore system.

But one size doesn’t fit all. And it didn’t fit Rhi.

We realized during K1/2 that Rhi just wasn’t ready to read. And you can’t force a child to read before they’re ready–all you’ll do is make them feel dumb and hate reading/books. Between that and some of her other challenges, like ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder.

When the job offer from the US came through, it was at a good time. Rhi was finishing K1, and stressing out at the pressure that even her low-key private K had. It was really unclear what we were going to do with her if we stayed. Public school was out. Heading to the US, where “normal” has a much larger range, seemed like a smart decision.

Rhi started Kindergarten this time last year. She started off in the reading specialist group because she was shaky on some of her phonemes. By the end of the school year, though, she was in the top group. It was the right time, in the right environment, and she continues to be in the top reading group in first grade, which started last month. But even the top group is only reading simple texts, less demanding than those read in Singapore.

When Elanor was young, I felt very arrogant about my decisions to enroll her in Singapore public. After all, she was thriving. High expectations equals high output. I’d never taught reading, only dealing with kids who already knew how to do it. I was a precocious reader. Ravi was a precocious reader. Elanor was a precocious reader.

Rhiannon isn’t a precocious reader. She’s right on schedule. And in a less stressful environment, she’s thriving. She loves reading. She feels smart.

Different kids need different solutions. I wish that Singapore offered more diversity and support for kids who don’t fit the mold, apart from making them feel stupid (something many of my friends have talked about).

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Laptop woes

Last night, I finished up editing a story and then went to my bedroom. I went to plug in my laptop, only to find out I couldn’t. Something in the connection between the two is broken. I have been reduced to using Elanor’s Chromebook, which can’t do most of what mine can do and which does not have Word. My laptop is currently at the shop and any sacrifices you’d like to suggest I make to the laptop gods is welcome.

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Elanor and Rhi

If you’re wondering how Elanor and Rhi are doing, here are videos of them talking about books.

Rhi wants to talk about Fly Guy vs The Flyswatter

Elanor is talking about Dear Dumb Diary #1 Let’s Pretend this never happened.

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Aquarium of the Bay

Last weekend, we took the girls to the Aquarium of the Bay on Pier 39 in San Francisco.

It’s a relatively small aquarium, but they make good use of what little space they have. There is an emphasis on fish and other animals that live in the bay. The San Francisco Bay is the breeding grounds/nursery for many species including leopard sharks.

There are many species of jellyfish, and the changing light makes them appear to be pink, blue, green, etc.

There are interactive exhibits, whether you’re putting your head into an aquarium of fish or touching a baby ray. Be careful, though, because the touch pools are deeper than they appear. We ended up with a wet sleeve.

There’s also a room with amphibians, snakes, turtles, etc. I think at least some of them are rescue animals. There are three otters which are rescues, and are great fun to watch.

The big attraction, though is the big tank, where you walk through the tank while sharks and other fish swim beside you and above you.

If you’re already at Pier 39, check them out.

 

Posted in Back to the US, North America, San Francisco, Travel by Continent, Country, US | Tagged , , ,

Things and places in Singapore that I miss 6-10

Continuing Friday’s post of things and places I miss in Singapore. Seeing Crazy Rich Asians made me nostalgic for my Singapore.

6. Kaleidoscope Therapy Centre was a huge help to Rhi as we began to identify and work on her special needs. She saw a therapist and an occupational therapist. If you have a special needs kid, they are pricey but worth it.

7. I miss being a part of Democrats Abroad. I’m still finding my feet, politically speaking, and I feel like there were ways in which I was more involved there (and then others where I’m more involved here). But it was a great community, and I’m proud to have served on the Country Committee.

8. I miss our Lao Shi. Both girls have stopped speaking and studying Mandarin and I feel like I have let them down. But without speaking Mandarin myself, I’d have to enroll them in too many classes, and the lack of Mandarin at home would still be a problem. I miss the way Mandarin was incorporated into their lives.

9. River Hong Bao was something we looked forward to every year. We managed to go in 2017 just before we left, but we noticed the lack of it this year.

10. Again, we haven’t fully found our community yet, so we also miss the way that Diwali is a national holiday. It was easy to get into the spirit, to purchase goods at the Diwali Market in Little India, and to celebrate as a family when everyone had the day off.

I could keep going…I’m getting homesick just listing things off. I’m not certain this is the top ten exactly, but it was the top ten that was in my head off the cuff.

Posted in Attractions, Culture Shock, customs, Education, Holidays, Leaving Singapore, Pictures, Random Stuff, Shopping, Singapore, Uniquely Singapore, With Kids | Tagged , , , , , , ,

Things and places I miss in Singapore 1-5

Watching Crazy Rich Asians made me wish they’d shown more of Singapore. So I thought I’d compile an off the cuff, not in any order list of places I miss in Singapore.

  1. Brinda’s has amazing Indian food. The only things I don’t love is how long it takes for a delivery order to arrive and that some foods (like tikka masala) are only available at certain hours. It’s also open 24 hours, which makes it perfect jetlag food (as if you need another reason to eat there).

2. Toni and Guy on River Valley Road. My hair never looked so good before or after. My colorist, though, has opened a new salon, and I would have followed him for color and stayed with my stylist at Toni and guy.

3. Amazonia is the indoor play place on the third floor of Great World City. It has giant slides, a toddler play area, and an excellent parent cafe. They also have glow in the dark minigolf, do birthdays, and other assorted fun. We used to live two blocks from Great World City, so we ended up at Amazonia often. There is an equivalent here, but it’s a twenty-five minute drive.

4. Little India in general, and Mustafa specifically. We went there for both American food you couldn’t get elsewhere (tang, weirdly enough) and Indian food. We also went to the restaurant on the roof whenever we were there. It’s also a great place for kitchenware, and mundane items like laundry baskets. I have not purchased electronics or furniture like a fridge from them, but they do sell them. We might have bought our dishwasher there, but no one remembers. If I did, then I can attest to the quality of at least the dishwasher I bought.

5. Kidzania is amazing and there’s nothing like it here. Period.

On Monday I’ll share five more places/things I miss about Singapore

Posted in Attractions, Before the Move, Culture Shock, food/drink, general places, Leaving Singapore, Pictures, Places to Eat, Random Stuff, Shopping, Singapore, Uniquely Singapore, With Kids | Tagged , , , ,